Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
