I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
