I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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