I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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