I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I could have mohawked her pubes.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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