There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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