you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
