I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
