remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
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this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
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I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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