Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
