Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
