I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
