Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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