Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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