My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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