There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
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I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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