Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
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I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
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Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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