watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
