Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
