And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
