He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
