Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My vagina just recognized that song.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
