She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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