Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
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i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
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If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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