Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
