I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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