I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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