Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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