New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
