I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
