I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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