i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
