i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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