I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize