Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
