Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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