The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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