How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
