so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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