How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
