My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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