Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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