life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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