mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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