I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
