Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
