We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
