tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
