dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
