i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
