i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
