Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
this just has baby written all over it
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
