So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
