So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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