Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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